Electronic Thrones

I've never seen a bidet in Canada.  I know there are certain cultures where they use a special water holder with a long curved spout in order to wash their behinds.  And I've seen bidets in European bathrooms.  I remember my family had one of those porcelain bidets that shoots water straight up when I lived here before going to Canada, so I'm certain Koreans have been using bidets for a long time.

Now, bidets are new-fangled gadgets that are placed on top of the regular toilets.  You can find them in some homes, workplaces, posh stores and malls.  We have them at work and they’re awesome!

As soon as you sit down, the throne purrs to life.  The low whirring sound is a whisper to your ears…”I’m ready when you are, baby…”  It first starts emitting fruity scents that seem to strum your olfactory senses.  So for the first few seconds, I’m a-waftin’ like there’s no tomorrow… that is, until I let out the first big one.  No amount of aromatic chemcals can mask the pungent odour.  Once you’ve done your deed, you start working the controls on the bidet.  On the side, there’s a control panel with a myriad of buttons and lights that let you control the throne.

I hit the “Cleanse” button.  I hear a click and a whirring sound that indicates that “the wand” is being extended.  “The wand” is an arm that extends and places a nozzle in position right underneath the sphincter.  The 2 seconds of whirring and the 2 seconds of pause feel like the clanking of chains and the brief moment at the apex of a rollercoaster ride.  You know what to expect, but there’s that intense feeling of anxiety.  As “the wand” start shooting that jet of water into the sensitive area, your muscles tighten automatically.  Once you get over the initial shock, it kinda feels nice.  At the push of a few buttons, you can adjust the position of the jet stream…although, I just simply bouge my ass here and there to get a thorough wash.  I can push stop when I think I'm clean, but I usually let it run its one-minute course… it’s long enough to get a good wash and yet leave you wanting more.  I hit the “Dry” button, which blows your anus with warm soothing air.  The butt dryer is too weak however and I sit on the throne for at least 2 minutes waiting for my ass to dry.

The "CHB-8000" @ work.  I think CHB stands for Cleans Hairy Buttocks..